Saturday, March 29, 2008

Letting go.

As i sat in the waiting room before Pain Management class began, i did the usual people watching. i scribbled this on a piece of paper:

"Don't want to be a lumpy-bumpy old grandma with lumpy-bumpy clothes. But she looks happy. i know how to look happy, how to say, 'i'm fine!' when asked how i am, so i fit that Pain Class rule to a T. But i'm not so good at being peaceful on the inside. There i am a bunch/bundle/gaggle of shaky anxiety. 'i'm trying to learn to let go.'"

i was feeling pretty fragile, having to see Dean take Dynamo off to the vets for who knew how long at that point.

In the afternoon i took a few minutes to write this down:

"'Letting go'--seems to be the theme, especially for me. Cried halfway through the day, worried about our dog, feeling very much that it's out of my hands, but feeling the stress. Hard time with the heavy internal traffic, difficult to focus on the morning meditation and exercises. Pain was worse as the afternoon went n, but somehow released after the meditation and psychologist group session.

i want to get everything i can out of this class, improve myself and my life as much as i choose to. So i ask questions a lot--i seem more talkative than many. (Okay, no surprise there.)"

Letting go. i've been a worrier since birth. i think that things felt so out of my control as a child, subconciously i did feel very much the victim of my parents' craziness. i just as young learned to "put on a happy face." i mean, i was a cheerful child, i think that was honest and true to who i was, but i learned early that was the face that helped me slide by in my family and stay out of trouble. So i learned to smile and be outwardly happy in the face of all the things that made no sense to a small child surrounded by hostility and chaos.

This causes a a conflict in me. At Pain Class i feel well suited to shine it on for the folks, acting positive, answering "fine!" "good!" or other acceptable smiley-face responses. But another part of me says, "this is bull-pucky." i've spent so long learning to be a person of truth that being cheerful feels like a lie often times. I hurt! Why can't i call it that? The Pain chasers say it doesn't help, it only hurts to talk about our pain. i'm not quite there in my understanding. Sometimes i just want to be able to say, "i'm having a tough day." Not being a victim, just stating the facts.

This Pain class coinciding with Dynamo's troubles speaks to the letting go process as it relates to real life in its totality. Needing to let go of my useless fretting and trusting Dyno to the more capable hands of the vet requires a difficult level of "learning to let go." Needing to change the way i try to deal with my pain requires an even more difficult level. Having to chart hourly what i'm doing and what is my pain level has let me see the connection between the emotional part of my life and the pain part of my life, how much the emotional effects the physical. That's the point in this class--the body and mind connection.

Once again i have rambled--sorry, folks.

Skimmers: dog sick. Body hurts. Need to learn to let go of both.


Silliyak said...

There is nothing to apologize for.

There's a post somewhere on my blog dealing with what I got out of meditation, I don't know whether you'd find it helpful.

I believe there is a power in expressing our feelings, verbally or in writing. Part of it is separating from it..."There it is OUT THERE" and looking at it from another perspective.

I also come from a chaotic family, and it's interesting to acknowledge the parts of me that come from that. Certainly my sense of humor. I think I am a good listener, (looking for clues for the next eruption) Combined, those make me a terrible punster.

My experience has been that most growth hurts, but it's better in the end. (Sometimes I imagine it as birthing a baby, not that I would know what that's like) Keep up the good work!

MsCatMinder said...

Hi , Ive been reading your blog with fascination thanks to the comments latterly at Silliyak's blog.
So much , I dotted around , your trip to England , seeing it through your eyes the things I take for granted living here , the awful pain you have to suffer at the moment and your efforts to manage this , the family stuff . I will come back to read more and hope your dog is ok , mine is currently suffering too ... the angst .

julia said...

Silliyak, thanks for the kind words--i will go look up your post on meditation (i keep writing "medication" instead--aww, "medication" "meditation", it all calms me down...) And on that birthing-a-baby thing? Trust me, it's best to just imagine that one. ;-)

MsCatCalls,thanks for coming by to visit me! Isn't it funny, when i comment on stuff to my British family, they often say in surprise, "Oh! I'm so used to that, I don't even notice it!"

Dynamo dog ended up staying the weekend in the vet's--but hopefully that just means we'll have a Super Clean and Well doggy!

Unknown said...

There are a few words that float around in my brain constantly that seems to help me in many situations... "Let Go and Let God." For myself letting go is not an easy task. I always feel the need to want to 'FIX' things that are wrong (much as JD wants so badly to fix my pain). I know as well as the next person though that some things are just beyond my fixing.That is when I have to pull the words to the front of my tired brain and pry my fingers off of my problem and let it go so God can take care of it. I am still a novice at doing this though. I know that it works from the few times that I have Let go. It isn't easy to change a life long behavior especially when you reach my age.... Big hugs Sis!

julia said...

That habit thing--that's one thing they talk about at the pain classes, one reason we're doing this 4 days a week thing, it takes time to form a new habit. Looks like the habits they're trying to get into us are: gentle exercise daily, relaxation times daily, not holding on to everything and learning to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Silliyak--your comment about "looking for clues for the next eruption" has been haunting me. So well put. i know exactly what you mean.

julia said...

Oh--and Sissy Jo, thank JD for wanting to fix your pain. That's so sweet, really ;-)