Thursday, June 21, 2007

Not happy.

Today was a big day for me--i was going to meet my new doctor. Of course hope ran high--maybe this one will actually listen to me! Maybe she'll nod sympathetically and at least appear to believe me.
But no.

This was not to be. First, "Why did you leave Dr. ***?" she asked. How do i explain this without making myself sound the ungrateful b*****? So i tried to explain some of my frustrations with having to push so hard for any testing etc, i tried to appeal to her years of study by saying i would like to benefit more from their knowledge in helping me feel better. She explained to me that the frustration fibromyalgia patients feel in getting help often leads to their distrust of medical providers.

From her expression i thought, Uh oh, i bet my old doctor and my new doctor are buddies.

She explained to me that there was not a lot of point to many tests as they were not necessarily the answer, "And I'm not one of those who uses a lot of cortisol and such, and your tests came out normal for that anyway." So i explained having had the test at the chiropractor's, and that i did come out low on that. So SHE explained how "too many cooks in the kitchen" just make for confusion. (Possibly i should tell her the actual saying is "too many cooks spoil the broth," if she's planning to rely on trite, over-worn phrases to "dumb down" her doctor speak for her patients.)

i sat there quietly, attempting to keep a placid smile on my face while she explained that "therapy could also help," the approach to fibromyalgia being a multi-something-or-other process. She did at least use different phrasing from my previous doctor, who told me that "sometimes when you get the issues of depression dealt with, other things can get better, too." Instead, this one told me that "behavioral therapy can help with the fibromyalgia." OH RIGHT! i FORGOT i can simply BEHAVE MYSELF BETTER! Guess those 5 years of therapy i already had didn't teach me to "think" away the pain.

She did at least sign me up for the pain clinic, so they'll be calling me, she says. That could be helpful. She looked a bit exasperated when she said "I like to treat fibromyalgia with nortriptyline at night--" and i immediately said, "i can't use that. Gives me a rapid heartbeat." "Or amitriptyline--" "Nope, that one did the same thing."

Right. Be exasperated with the fact that i just shot down your plan. Think how exasperated i am with the stuff not working!!

She sent me home with a prescription for the IBS, and a requisition for some bloodwork.

i muttered stand-ins for bad words all the way home.

Think i'll be looking yet again for a new doctor.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Able to leap tall footstools...

i'm so proud--i just looked at my son's "My Space" and found that he has listed "my mom and dad" under "Heroes."

...That's, um, right after he listed Superman ("he's the best hands down!") Spiderman and the Punisher. Oh, and Wolverine, Ironman, Elecktra, and a couple more i'm not familiar with.... and then there comes Michael Jordan and the Terminator--

But we did make it ahead of Ghost Rider. Now THAT'S a relief...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

My life as an oyster.

i went searching for images of oysters after saying to friend Adina yesterday that i felt like just closing up on myself like an oyster. The images i found served to ensure that i will never eat an oyster, and i now know more about oysters than i ever wanted. Anyway, the reason "oyster" came to mind was that when i feel especially fibromyalgia achy and just worn to the core, i just want to close up inside my little shell and stay warm and not move. She said, "And when I open back up, I may have a pearl," to which i responded, "Or not--" So, after a few days of oyster-wishes, i am open again. Sorry, no pearl, simply these thoughts:

Things i love:
affectionate contact--hugging grandkids, my kids, friends, my puppies, and of course my husband.
movies like "The Wedding Singer" with laugh-out-loud bits

That's maybe the worst part of When Fibromyalgia Strikes--i feel unable to enjoy those things (i can usually make an exception for chocolate.) It's like there are two distinct Fibro Me's--one where i hurt to the very tips of my fingers, but i'm still able to create and enjoy and shove the pain to somewhere off-center, and the second me where i feel achy and dull and want to just close up my shell and wait for tomorrow.

What i can do with this information, i am not sure. Maybe at this point it's enough to just know it.