A Mama-shaped hole.

I've been reading the book "Before Green Gables" by Budge Wilson for book club. If you're at all familiar with the Anne of Green Gables character in the books by L. M. Montgomery, you'll probably know that her story begins as a twelve-year-old orphan girl who is accidentally placed with Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert at Green Gables when they had requested a boy to help on the farm. Her unique, imaginative wonderfulness ends up endearing her to them and they decide to keep her after all.

According to the acknowledgements in the book, the senior editor at Penguin books wanted the woman oddly (or interestingly) named "Budge" to write a prequel to the Anne books, answering a big question of mine: "What would possess someone to mess with my favorite book series of all time??" The voice of the writing is fairly similar to that of Lucy Maud Montgomery's, helping to fit this book into the series somewhat seamlessly. After I got over my initial annoyance that someone would decide to fill in the early years spoken of in the Anne books, I've actually enjoyed it.

"Enjoyed" may not be the best word, since it's brought up a lot of my own feelings of "orphan-ness." The irrepressable Anne Shirley lost her parents to illness when she was a baby, then spent her next years as an unpaid servant to two different families with many children, being forced to earn her keep by washing diapers, preparing dinner, and watching the younger children from an age at which most of us were still sucking our thumbs. She keeps from losing all hope of goodness in the world by imagining better and happier worlds.

My Favorite Mental Health Professional, Stephanie-the-therapist, told me that grief can stir up our old hurts. Since my sister's death in March I've been living that out. The Anne books give a whisper of her early trials, but the Prequel revels in fleshing those trials out--while showing how she maintains her hopeful nature. All that flesh is tough to see (I'm pretty modest.) And it's reminded me of the "mama-shaped-hole" in the middle of me, though I lack the awesomeness of Anne to compensate for it as she does (but then, she is fictional. But awesome.)

Be assured, this isn't meant to be a "poor me!" post, it's just a (really long) statement of the feelings the book has stirred in me. I've had people play the "I had it worse" game with me before, such as when one acquaintance said to me while bemoaning her absent father, "Well at least you HAD a father!" I refrained from speaking the thoughts in my head which ran something like this: "Ah yes, a father who when drunk might pull out his gun and hold us hostage on the living room couch threatening that he could 'put us all in the ground,' or who had a thing for handling my older sister in ways a daughter should never be handled. Yes, good ol' dad!" Instead I merely clamped my jaw shut and grimaced the pretense of a smile. I'm not trying to "one-up" anyone here, or invite you to my pity party, as I am fully capable of carrying that on by myself.

When I was young and I'd be home from school because I was sick, I loved that my mother would put a chair by my bed or the couch to put my book and water on, and she'd let me use the Special Blanket her mother had given her, made of yellow flowered fabric that felt like a entire blanket of satin binding. This for me was "love" and "nurture." Not to be mean, but she didn't enjoy giving of herself, so the nurturing was in things. But I missed out on the actual person.

BUT, both parents were creative, and my sister and I learned that from them. There are always positives to be found by those of us foolish enough to be optimistic while face to face with flesh-eating zombies ("well maybe I'll finally lose these hips!") And I am a Big Girl and know that Life Is About Choices--the choices I make every day in what I do, or who I choose to be.

I guess all that to say this: "Before Green Gables" has made me look again at the Mama-shaped-hole in me, the part of me that wishes she had a nurturing mama to cry to, to help mourn the too-early loss of Patti. That need seems to have stuck with me my entire life, but the recent sadness and then reading the story of unloved Anne has pushed it into visibility. Trust me, I hate that I'm an adult of 58 and can still feel that pain at times. Blecch. Grief is hateful. But neccessary (or so They tell me.)

SO MAMAS, love your babies and children, kiss on 'em and tell them how special they are to you simply because they're alive. Enjoy them, even when they're loud and driving you crazy making popping noises with their mouth non-stop (like a certain son I just might have.) Build that strong place in the middle of them, that warm mama-shaped love place that sticks with them even when they're 58.

And if you love the Anne of Green Gables books, and don't cry like a big baby over sad stories, read the book. It does manage to capture Anne's spirit (she admits begrudgingly.)

Skimmer's Recap: Not a bad book. Made me a little "Emo" though.

Wow! Where have i been??

Can't believe it's been a month since i've written anything on here. It's as if i vomited up all that information about my Travels in Fibro Land and just ran out of words.

i've been reading lately more than writing, and finished out the summer with a week of Grandma Camp, otherwise known as having the grandgirls over for the week to shop and sew and eat out and just have fun. Guess the supplements and the gym and all have helped, i didn't collapse till day 5!

Books i've read lately: "Heaven Is For Real" by Todd Burpo, co-written by a lovely lady author i met at Mount Hermon, Lynn Vincent. It's (as its subtitle states)  "A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back." 4 year old Colton's appendix bursts, leading to emergency surgery. Parentally speaking, it's horrifying with all the chance of losing a child and the second guessing of "why didn't we know/why did we wait" questions his family goes through. But as Colton begins dropping bits of information regarding his visit to heaven during his surgery, the bigger picture starts coming into focus as his small town pastor dad and teacher mom begin to try to put together Colton's story. Pretty quick reading, pretty interesting reading. Made me feel better about heaven. i mean, as a Christian i know i should look forward to heaven, but it's just another big unknown to me, and i'm fearful of the unknown. Streets of gold don't compel me, i'm not that into metal. But now i'm curious to see if it's all Colton says.

i've also read the first 2 Sullivan Crisp books by Nancy Rue and Stephen Arterburn and have 1 more to go. Arterburn is part of New Life Ministries, a group of Christian counselors who do workshops and answer calls on their radio show and just generally try to help people to move forward in positive ways in their lives, a theme i am a particular fan of. The first book, "Healing Stones" deals with the subject of when families and marriages fall apart. Sullivan Crisp is the quirky therapist who helps her figure out what healing really looks like in the situation with all its complexities. The second book is "Healing Waters." In this novel Sully the therapist is doing some dealing of his own while helping Lucia, a self-consciously overweight woman, deal with her past and present. Other interesting subjects in this novel are the "prosperity gospel" pseudo-Christian belief system as well as a lost baby and a failing marriage. Both kept me turning the pages--what the heck, it's like free therapy!

What have you been doing lately? What are you reading?


Skimmer's Recap: julie gives herself therapy through grandchildren and books.

About a Book: "Lord, I Feel So Small" by Jon Drury



"Lord I Feel So Small: Using God's Yardstick to Conquer Self-Doubt"


Jon Drury is a man who speaks from a brutally honest heart. But I mean that in a good way.

The author's struggle with the feeling of never measuring up, of never being quite as useful/smart/talented as the other guy, strikes a familiar chord in me. How any of us ends up in that rut doesn't matter--the point is, we can climb up out of the mud. And Jon's the man to show us how, because he's been-there-done-that, and he's on a mission to show us the way out.

Visually the book is a pleasant read, broken up into achievable chunks within each chapter. Call it my short attention span, or my inability to remain awake when faced with solid lines of prose, but this is important to me.  But even more importantly, the text is conversational and approachable, like you're just sitting down and having a really good chat with the guy.

One way he makes the truth of what he says more accessable is by using stories from his own life and from others. I love when authors include stories of other people, because let's be real, folks, some of those stories make me happy to be me. But more to the point, Jon sees his own life story with clarity and honesty, then uses it to illustrate how to pull ourselves out of the muddy mess of our own flawed thinking.

If the many years I've spent with members of the Mental Health profession have taught me nothing else they have taught me this: our human thinking can be very, very flawed. How can we learn to challenge our thoughts? One way is by reading books like this one. Take a look at the sections and chapters to get an idea of the steps he leads you through in this re-look, re-think journey out of the muddy rut of self-doubt.

 Section 1-- Crafting the Foundation
Chapter 1: "Lord I Feel So Small!"
Chapter 2: Foundations for Significance
Chapter 3: Yardsticks of True Worth

 Section 2-- Feelings That Immobilize Us
Chapter 4: Transforming Despair Into Hope
Chapter 5: Morphing Fear into Courage
Chapter 6: Birthing Healing Out of Grief
Chapter 7: Discerning the Voice of Our Enemy

or Section 5-- Experiences That Hamper Us (this section especially hit home for me)
Chapter 16: Converting Failure to True Success
Chapter 17: Turning Humiliation into Heroism
Chapter 18: Moving From Isolation to Friendship
Chapter 19: Conquering Worry with Trust

And this is only a sampling of the 20 chapters.

I was pleasantly surprised by the "Think It Through" questions at the end of each chapter. "Jesus!" is not the answer--at least to each of these questions. No, folks, sorry to say, if you make use of these you will actually have to Think It Through. I found them much more useful than the easy answer type questions you often find in study books, and more likely to actually provoke thought. And thinking is our friend.

The more you give this book in time and thought, the more you will gain. But even if you can only give it a quick read, there's much to be gleaned. I, however, was unable to give it a quick read, wanting to learn enough to put my hip-waders away for good and step into summer sandles. I'm a flip-flops kind of girl, and flip-flops don't fair well down in the rut.

About the book Daisy Chain, by Mary E. DeMuth

I just finished reading Mary DeMuth's novel "Daisy Chain," first book in the Defiance Texas Trilogy.

It was a hard read for me.

The story of the small Texas town of Defiance is told through the young eyes of fourteen-year-old Jed Pepper. His closest friend, Daisy Chance, has gone missing, and he's sure it's all his fault. Town secrets come to light during the search for Daisy, and we experience it all from Jed's viewpoint--the viewpoint of a child living in a house full of its own secrets.

I was too captivated by the story to stop reading, since Mary DeMuth has a writing style that wrapped me up inside Jed's head--and there was my pain. Having grown up in a house of secrets myself, the author's uncanny ability to write from within the mind of a child unnerved me. I lived each emotion as Jed did: each moment of powerlessness, shame, guilt or rage. I felt his tentative hope, his doubts.

What I loved most about this book was the very thing that made it hard reading, the author's ability to crawl inside a child's head and stay true to the telling through his eyes. For this reason I highly recommend this book and author.

Thoughts on a book: "Thin Places" by Mary DeMuth

Yesterday I woke early, reaching for the next book waiting on my bedside table, "Thin Places" by Mary E. DeMuth. Nearly 4 hours later I put it down--finished. What kept me reading?

The idea of Thin Places is the times in your life where the membrane between earth and God are stretched so thin you can see God more easily. These places in Mary's life were during the more soul-wrenching parts: being abused as a 5 year old, seeing father after father removed from her life, dealing with the sense of loneliness that came from being "in the way."  She explains how these things carry on into adult life, as we all are made up of our old experiences and beliefs.

My own childhood home was a place of chaos, so I'm always curious how others dealt with that. In Mary's story she is quick to show where God made something good out of the darkness of her life, so I was left with a sense of hope, not depression. I am another person who travels the road of actions based on old pain, so I related to much she had to say.

I was immediately caught up in the flow of her words, as her prose has a comfortably poetic phrasing. She is honest, she shares the rawness of life--but there is no self-pity in her recounting of pain, and much can be learned simply from that.

Personally, i loved the book. It was like a 4 hour sit-down over coffee with a good friend.

Thoughts on a book: "A Distant Melody" by Sarah Sundin

Remember when i said "I'll say more on the book once I do more than just put it on my bedside table"? Yeh, back on that page. I just finished reading it today.

I have to admit I got hooked on the story. I'm not the greatest romantic, I don't tend to pick up books of couples gazing into each others eyes, and I definitely don't pick up books with a World War II airplane for background to previously mentioned adoring couple. Usually I'm the one hunting in corners for books about dysfunctional families, or books where if I could just once make it past chapter 5 might Change My Life Forever.

Let's face it: in the last few years mostly I'm looking for a home decorating magazine I haven't seen already.

But I loved it! Author Sarah Sundin is a new friend from the writers conference I recently attended at Mount Hermon near Santa Cruz, California. She was just so sweet and welcoming I decided that whatever she wrote I was buying and having her sign, like the little admiring newbie writer I am. (Imagine my relief on finding she wasn't writing a 12 part series called "Fun With Higher Mathematics." Phew.)

"A Distant Melody" has a great cast of characters. The story revolves around a wealthy young woman and the correspondence she carries on with a young pilot during World War II. As a young woman who has grown up under the weight of her parents expectations, how does she find the path to become the woman she would like to be?

I don't normally write book reviews, but I wanted to share what I appreciate about Sarah's writing: she writes approachable, imperfect characters, who have flaws, a sense of humor, and don't have all the answers. After all, aren't imperfections and struggles things we as humans can absolutely relate to?

If you're looking for a bodice ripper you won't find any heaving bosoms here. But if you're looking for a storyline you can sink your teeth into with characters like the flawed folks you probably know, you're in the right place. Sarah writes substance, not just hormones.

I'm a fan of substance and good storytelling, and Sarah gave me both. Thanks, Sarah!

By the way, "A Distant Melody" is Book One in her "Wings of Glory" series.

Skimmer's recap: Book, romance, history, I liked it.

An interesting study on cleaning in which i learn things about myself.

i decided to do some cleaning of all the stuff by my bed. This is what was on the bedside table top. A little fantasy reading--and i don't mean the novel,



i mean the magazines with articles on losing weight (easily, of course!) and getting organized.


"A Distant Melody" is Sarah Sundin's first book. She was one of the first people i met at Mount Hermon, and she put me at ease immediately with her welcoming smile. It's my next-to-read, and has gotten amazing reviews. i'm sure i'll love it as much as everyone else has, and can look forward to the next two books coming in the series. i'll write again once i've done more than simply place it on my bedside table. :-)

The lovely spread of it all? Totally and absolutely for your viewing pleasure--since you wouldn't be able to see them in their normal jumble.


The process of cleaning rarely leaves me happy (unless it's cleaning in the "Will work for praise" style.) But books! i found more books! i've been stashing them in a basket under the night table as i've collected them. My friend Melanie reads a lot and loans the ones to me she thinks i'll like. It's kind of like having the library just drop by my house with fun surprises.

Anyway, she brings them, i pick them up at thrift stores and garage sales, and i get some in the mail because i support New Life Ministries.

Unfortunately, 2009 was not the happiest and best year in the Elder household due to job changes and layoffs and job searches and rehires, not to mention my constant companion fibromyalgia. So i didn't read much. Now i have not only the books i bought from writers at Mount Hermon and other places, but i have these to add to the Collection Of the Unread But Not Unloved.

Looking over the titles i'd say i have a pretty wide range of tastes, again the usual mix of fiction, fantasy and hope. By "hope" i mean all the titles i pick up because i hope they'll give me some edge on life or organization or becoming fabulously fit by 50 (oops! too late. Make that 60.) These books usually fit under the "fantasy" heading as well.

Of course the odd title just appeals to me, as in Carrie Fisher's "Wishful Drinking." i'm looking forward to it since i love and own the movie "Postcards From the Edge," based on her life.

i now have 42 books to read. Better get myself started. This was a happy cleaning moment.

Skimmer's recap: Yep, i got a lotta books.

Notes on a writers conference and a book, "Love's Compass."

Freshly back from Mount Hermon's Christian Writers Conference, my stack of books to read is growing.

The Keith Green book is a reference to one of my favorite worship moments of the conference--the whole group of editors, publishers and writers, all singing a Keith Green song, and it was right there in the hymnal! i love Keith Green songs. i love Keith Green. He was becoming known in the early years of my marriage (about a hundred years back.) As soon as i heard him sing and play piano, i was a fan of his heart.

The "make your own travel mug" was purchased at Mount Hermon so i can line it with the business cards of people i met at the conference and want to pray for. That way the coffee can travel to my desk and remind me to pray.

The flashlight is the one i took to use in the very dark nights of the conference but forgot to ever take out of the room.

i think i'll tell you about the stack as i read through it. i've already read most of Angus Nelson's "Love's Compass: When We've Lost Our Way." It's a compellingly told story of how God can redeem even the most messed up man on the planet, the self-admitted "Man Whore."

WHAT did i just say there? Yup. Angus appears to be the poster child for "looking for love in all the wrong places." He writes, he speaks for groups, and he's a sweet guy. And though the topic speaks to the self-destructive way people often deal with relationships, the principle applies to much more.

It applies to me. I've spent years looking for someone to fill that role of nurturing mother. i just wanted someone to believe in me and not think i was a failure, think that i might be "good enough." i looked to my earthly mother, but she wasn't really capable of unconditional love and acceptance due to her own issues. When i was less than 5, my thyroid quit working. i became a round little ball of a girl. i remember walking around the house eating carrots, carrots, carrots, trying to lose weight, My mother would tell me that too much of anything was bad--look at horses, they eat carrots and look how big THEY are. Even apples. Pigs eat apples, and look how FAT they are.

My mother got me into a doctor to get treated--by the time i was in high school i was taller and reasonably lean. When not lean enough for my mother, she had her doctor prescribe me diet pills, as in amphetamines. When i had pneumonia with a 104 degree fever during Spring break of my senior year and lost 10 pounds, i remember standing in front of the mirror. "Dang, maybe i can barely stand up, but just prop me in front of the mirror!"

i weighed 115 pounds.

It's been a constant theme in my head ever since. Haven't managed to shake the feeling of failure. i think i have worked it through, but no. A casual word said and i'm a 6 year old trying to lose weight and failing again.

We look for love in many places that can't provide. Only our Creator God can love us like we need.

Anyway, read the book. It's good.

Skimmer's recap: went to conference. Met people. Bought books. Read most of one.