Sunday, December 16, 2007

Dream a little dream of--

Well, it was policemen. And rain. And exercise equipment. And incarceration.

My counselor was so good at the whole dream thing, i loved it. She knows all the meanings of the different rooms in a house, even what it means based on how many bedrooms there are in a house you dream about. On these days, after a vivid and weird dream, i wish i was still in therapy. (Well, actually, on many days i wish i was! If i could only carry her around in my pocket for those troublesome life events. "Pardon me," i would say, and nip into the ladies, where i could open my pocket and ask, "So, how do i respond to that??")

i have a website i go to in the absence of a good counselor. i'm not sure it always gives me sound advice, but it gives me ideas and choices. It's, and i at least have fun with it. It's not up to the par of Joseph and the coat of many colors: "The seven fat cows stand for seven years of plenty, and the seven skinny cows stand for seven years of famine." (Yes, i watched Veggie Tales the other day with Adina's 2 year old daughter--you can learn a lot from those things!) But then Joseph got his dream interpretations from God, and that's a whole lot more accurate place to get your info. And i don't have my personal pocket therapist, and frankly i can't picture bothering God with, "so, there was rain, a hospital, and policemen in slickers--whaddya think?" So for now i'll refer to Dream Moods and do my own surmising.

Okay, so, there was also a bit about an exercise room in the hospital basement, all dusty and looking like an afterthought, with a treadmill among other bits of equipment. You could see the pipes in the ceiling, making it look very basement-y. There was also a bit where we were in the back seat of a police car being taken to the hospital. i remember looking out the back window of the car at the street lined mostly with small stores. So, two sections involved looking out the window at the rain and the police in their slickers.

Okay, let me at it:

Dream Moods says about police:

"Police. To see the police in your dream, indicates some failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolize structure, rules, and control. A more direct interpretation of seeing the police in your dream forewarns that you should avoid reckless behavior. To dream that you are arrested by the police, suggests that you feel sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt."

--and about rain:

"Rain. To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.
To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace.
To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to your awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.
To hear the tapping of the rain on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas and blessings coming to mind. It may also suggests that you will receive much joy from your home life."

--and raincoats:

"Raincoat. To dream that you are wearing a raincoat, suggests that you are shielding yourself from your emotions. You are not able to face the nastiness. It also refers to your pessimistic outlook."

Let's not forget the basement:

"Basement. To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction.
To dream that the basement is in disarray and messy, signifies some confusion in which you need to sort out. It may also represent your perceived faults and shortcomings."

So, now to piece these together into a cohesive idea. (Insert clearing of the throat here.) The things i've been troubled by lately have been the whole idea of being stuck with stupid chronic pain from this fibromyalgia, and never getting well like some people seem to. i have not been successful at getting myself to exercise because, One, i'm in pain, (chronically!) and B, i'm exhausted. Also chronically. Now, never mind the fact that if i were to get my lazy bootie going, i might feel better, or if i could figure out how to eat to lose weight without irritating my IBS, i might feel better. Tomorrow is my appointment (FINALLY) with the Chronic Pain Management Clinic team at Kaiser, where i will be assessed and they will set up my time to start the program (after waiting several more months, it sounds like. But why hurry? The pain is chronic, and not going anywhere.) Oh--and i've been talking to my youngest daughter, who is making huge strides in her life, choosing to make positive changes, and hopefully shed some of the family cement overshoes like frozen anxiety. So using all these things floating about in my head, plus the interpretations courtesy of Dream Moods, here goes.


If seeing police offers choices between meaning "don't be reckless" and not honoring obligations or committments, i'll have to go with the obligations thing, and the structure/rules/control bit. Why? you ask. Because for me, "life on the edge" extends about as far as backing off the driveway without my seatbelt fastened. i'm not the risk taking sort. i'm also not great at rules, but that fits more closely, since i know i need to honor committments to improve the health of my body, and that requires--yes--structure. Rules. Control. (Crap.) The interpretation that involves guilt is right up my family alley too--one of my biggest issues includes taking on guilt. Guilt about my imperfections, guilt about the imperfections i've passed on to my children. Guilt about everything clear down to global warming. It's all me.

And if seeing/hearing rain means renewal, grace, and forgiveness, well, that's a mighty fine thing to follow on the heels of all that NOT honoring obligations, NOT being perfect. Who can't use a little grace and forgiveness raining down on them? We guilt-ridden folk tend to forget about grace and forgiveness. And renewal? That gives one hope. And watching the rain from a window is a specific thing, that of spiritual insights being brought to your awareness. All good!

The raincoat is an interesting element--i was not wearing one, the keepers of the structure and rules were wearing them. So, if my wearing one means i'm shielding myself from nastiness, then the structure-keepers wearing them could mean i'm shielding myself from what i see as their imposing of structure on my life? This leaves me in an uncomfortable place--i strive (after five years of therapy) to not be a victim, but to realize that i am the one to steer my own ship (or in the case of someone not crazy about water or the connected analogies, perhaps my own very large flotation device in a very shallow and small pool?) And the pessimism Dream Moods mentions? i choose to ignore that. (She said pessimistically.)

In this struggle with my body and the outside interveners who say i *should* do these things to be better, i'm afraid it's easy to fall back into the victim mode. *They* don't understand. *They* don't know how i feel. And yet i know i need to steer my own innertube.

This leaves me with the dusty/musty basement with the treadmill and such. If the appearance of the basement signifies my state of mind, i think i may be in deep do-do. "Dusty" and "Musty" sound like two of the Seven Dwarfs of this annoyance that has been named Fibromyalgia. (But that sounds like another post altogether. It amuses me to contemplate that.) And if the disarray means some confusion i need to sort out, or my perceived faults and shortcomings, this fits with where my subconscious lives regarding the fibro. MY fault is i'm not structured enough. MY shortcoming is i don't honor the committments to my body. MY guilt is because of MY faults. MY MY MY.

Hmm. Do i try to take a fair amount of the power away from God in all this struggle? Do i think i'm alone, but for my Two Dwarfs? Okay, so i need to steer, but i can ask for help. And i need to quit thinking of this fibro as something i did to myself and step back a bit.

Or maybe it was just the butler in the library with the candlestick. It's beginning to hurt to think.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Oh, how much like me do you sound when it comes to the quilt thing. I have always said that if any of it is laying around you had best get out of my way because I will fight you for the right to call it mine.

Good luck with the pain management clinic. I hope they can help you. Please keep us posted. My buddy Fibromyalgia has been living with me for quite a while. It was only three years ago that I found out it's name. Oh what I would give for some other personal friend that wasn't as abusive.