i can watch movies all day with my computer in my lap--it's my birthday!
i can ignore the dishes, ignore the mess--yup, say it with me--it's my birthday!
i've always struggled against, for whatever complicated reasons, feeling like a victim. Like life happens to me, and i have little choice. As a part of this, i've always kept a wary eye on my upcoming birthdays, both dreading and desiring their arrival. "Maybe this time i'll be special! But probably not." And, wary eye or not, the Birthday Beast has often developed fangs and wicked claws, and shredded the heck out of me. My birthday has been one of the last holdouts against all those years of therapy, perhaps of the resistent birthday gene. While no longer waiting for others to make my life happen, i have still desired others to make my birthday happen.
My sister and i have talked about the fact that we both have hated our birthdays. Wanting to be special? Wanting to matter? OH the guilt! i've tried it every way possible--set up my own celebrations, waited for others, gone shopping and hoped someone bought me a cake while i was gone, spent the day doing crafts, spent the day in my room. But let me tell you, if you already feel guilty for wanting your birthday to be a special day, nothing is a good way to celebrate.
But weirdly, this year i am okay with my day. i thought it might be a problem since i'm 54 and i don't like even numbers as well as odd, and last year i turned 53 after having been born in '53, and that was too perfect, but then i realized that if i add the 5 and the 4, it equals 9!! And that is my perfect number! 9 for September, 9 for the 9th day of the month, and 5 plus 4 equals 9! So i can't help but be happy. Plus, i'm more settled into the Mentally Healthy fact--birthdays wait for no man, and i get to have a guilt free day!
My dear hubby has gone off to Rudy's, the local donut shop, for apple fritters. So i'll eat donuts and watch movies all day in my jammies if i want, i'll scrapbook or shop or whatever all day-- i know, i know, those of you who know me well will say, "And how is that different than EVERY day for you?" And i'll answer,
"BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!"