Saturday, July 11, 2009

A book and a latte. Doesn't get much better.

Wow--it's been a while since i've been here. Feels like i need to have a look around and see if anything has changed--nope, that dirty coffee cup is still here since March. . .

Sometimes i wake up from a dream where i am running, easily and freely. Last night was one of those times. In my dream i was wearing sweats and running shoes, bounding weightlessly around a track. It felt great. No pain, no fatigue sitting on me like a rhino. And then i woke up.

Coming out of that dream, waking up to the real physical me didn't feel so great. i ached from the top of my head out to my fingertips and down to my feet. i was exhausted, even though i had slept. i just wanted to go back to bed.

i had a lovely day on Monday--i rode BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) with son Jarel over to San Francisco, where he went to jury duty and i went shopping. The Westfield Mall, one short stop from Jarel's jury duty, is a wondrous place--circular escalators rising through floor upon floor of *SHOPPING*. . . my kind of Disneyland ride! Because we were in the city early i took my book to a cafe with mosaic tables and huge crystal chandeliers, bought a latte in one of those oversized soup bowl cups, and read till the stores opened. Lovely. Relaxing. A mini vacation. i could see out into the mall itself with its huge spaces of comfortable seating, natural light streaming down from an ornate domed skylight. It was one of those amazing days of clear sunlight, no fog. The kind of day that makes my heart go "Ahhhhh."

Every day since i have hurt. The annoying achiness and fatigue of the flu that leaves you wanting to cuddle up with a cup of tea and just feel sorry for yourself. But it isn't the flu, it's that *interruption* of fibromyalgia.

i recognize that in this world full of cancers and starving children and job loss and home loss, fibromyalgia isn't the worst thing i could have happening to me. i used to joke at the beginning of this fibro exploration, "The good thing about fibromyalgia is it doesn't kill you. And the bad thing about fibromyalgia is it doesn't kill you."

Flippant? i don't honestly think so. Some days i'm so thankful that i'm not looking at possible death or loss of a limb, while other days i feel so under the weight of the pain and numbing fatigue of it all that i lose sight of hope and joy and tomorrow.

i'm not a person to ever wish my life away, just some days are harder to keep my eyes focused past the today-ness of this annoying, concentration stealing, invisible-so-people-find-it-hard-to-believe-you millstone around my neck.

But i still had a really good day on Monday, and i'm still able to close my eyes and remember the refreshing feeling of that cafe.

Skimmer's recap: Fun on Monday, sore and exhausted every day since. A little feel-sorry-for-myself binge on Friday. Hoping for a better Saturday. Wouldn't trade that latte and book in a cafe for anything.


Unknown said...

I think that a lot of Bloggers are absentees lately. I know I am, but blogging started to feel like an obligation to me so I stepped away for a little while. There are some days that I have all sorts of key words running through my head that I could use to spark a blog post and then there are those days when my mind is a total blank.

I know where you are coming from with the fibro. Just when I get comfortable with no pain, fibro catches me smiling and raises it's magic wand and covers me with "Make the pain go away" dust.
I am just glad that I have a high tollerance for pain. I hate to even thing how it would feel otherwise.

Hope you are enjoying this beautiful weekend. Glad your back.

julia said...

Thanks, Jo! Yep, it can get to feel like an obligation--a break is a good thing. And a lot of days i seem to have no mind to use ;-D And oh i know you "get" the whole annoying fibro thing! Lucky you having a high pain tolerance--that's an awesome gift from God. My son is that way, doesn't mind heat, doesn't mind cold, has to be run over by a pickup to be bothered by pain (and that has actually happened to him, so no exaggeration! Fortunately it was "just" his leg.) Nice to see you again too.

Connie said...

Speaking as #3 in this cosy little group, I want to ask, "What is going on "? Same here. drove down to my daughter's on Thursday, and haven't been the same since. That gosh awful aching and fatigue has be either nuts or mad.
Is it a weather change ? My hands are till throbbing and I know I have been told not to hold the wheel up high as it gets your neck. Good news, tho, usually my feet don't hurt.
So we take a deep breath and forge on.
Sorry I had to leave facebook, but I have just been dragging.
Here's to better days for all of us !!!
Stick around for a while, please ?

Betina said...

I've not been here in a while either. glad I came back to visit.

julia said...

Thanks, Betina! You've had some mighty fun changes in YOUR life, eh? i keep up with your doings thru my friend equichick8 who reads your blog often, so even when time goes by i find out if you are, oh, say, giving birth after years of infertility! ;-)

julia said...

Connie, i realized just now in looking back at my blog that i totally missed responding to your comment! How rude of me. :-)

We all just keep on keepin' on, don't we?

Also, how pathetic is it that i still have but 3 followers for my blog! hahaha!!