i eat hope for breakfast.

Okay, so the title's a little odd. But it's been running around in my head for weeks now.

i think it means i'm sort of a hope junkie, and i need my fix daily. If i have a very NON- hopeful day, i'm in the dumps for a while. So when the chiropractor did a test that showed i have adrenal fatigue, but their solution was a couple hundred bucks a month in supplements, which i do NOT have, hope took a big swirly ride down the toilet.

i get in this mixed emotional hoopla over stuff like that--okay, i already feel sorry for myself over the fibromyalgia (yes i already know that's pointless, thank you) and the never-ending fatigue and soreness etc, but to throw on the adrenal thing and then taunt me with a solution out of my grasp? Well that's just rude. i told the chiropractor, "So, i can't work because i have this, so i don't have money enough to get over it...how does THAT work??"

Then, instead of being the lone ranger about it, i decide to ask friends' opinions--"how do i do this? Do i push them to let me buy only what i can afford, even though they said that was the absolute minimum of what i needed to take, or do i just try to go it on my own and figure out supplements i can afford elsewhere? And then how do i get follow-up, since if i do my own supplements i can't really ask the chiro to retest me, which is actually pretty pricey all on its own, but in California i can't request my own saliva test from the lab without a doctor of some sort's signature. And i'm already paying Kaiser for medical, so i wonder if there's a way THEY could just do the testing for me so i could just find my own supplements. And if i find my own supplements, can i do it without frying my liver or something?"

Okay, now that i just wrote that down, i can see why i didn't get many responses. Even i'm overwhelmed by that onslaught of words, and i love words.

So i started looking up more information about the supplements the chiropractic office had listed, and then reading other sites with adrenal fatigue information and suggestions for treatment, and started compiling my own list of the common denominator supplements. Good grief. i love the internet and all the happy hours of searching i can do there, but yikes... Information overload.

So now to compile the info. And sort the info. And cull wisdom from the info. Weirdly, i enjoy that whole process. Something about taking what seems overwhelming and finessing it into doable bits, that is pretty darn satisfying. And then i just have to watch my compulsion to keep rechecking stuff on the internet, because i will always find something that says the direct opposite of the conclusions i have reached, which of course throws me into the self-doubt mode--maybe the decision i've reached WILL cause my liver to become a briquet... Ah, the second-guessing of the over-thinker. It's a family gift.

So, armed with all this info, printed up and highlighted (yep, i'm still pretty dependent on the whole paper and pen thing) and the bits of advice from friends, i'm ready to move forward, and attempt to climb out from the pit i've fallen into.

The friend advice--one bit was to not let the chiropractor tell me i needed to do a bunch of stuff because then you end up with an expensive orthodic you probably didn't need (thank you, Frugalina. Well said.) Another was to email my doctor at Kaiser who we're already paying for, and start there. (My dear Adina. Strip all the excess emotion and words and start at the most basic step. If i am the chicken with my head cut off, what is she? Maybe the farmer's wife, saying, "Stop running around already. Tomorrow's Sunday, and you're dinner." And she's not being cruel, just practical. This is where you are, what's the next logical step?)

i emailed my doctor and explained the saliva test i had done to assess the free-cortisol in my system throughout the day, done at 4 intervals, and the results. (i didn't mention that i paid a stinking $179 to soak up my saliva with cotton rolls, which is wrong on so many levels.) Finally i got a call from my doctor--she said she hadn't heard of a saliva test for cortisol, but Kaiser did a 24 hour urine collection we could do. Guess i'll be staying home that day. And meanwhile i bit the bullet and purchased a few supplements, thanks to Costco, my local Health Unlimited, and ProHealth (http://www.prohealth.com/shop/) plus i also started charting my temperature per the Dr. Rind protocol (http://www.drrind.com/) to get an idea of the metabolic activity of my body. So far that temperature is all over the place, not unlike my mood.

i guess the gist of all that is, i'm pretty sure i'm looking for hope in all the wrong places (sing it! to the tune of, "Looking for love in all the wrong places") and so my hope "fixes" are inconsistent at best. i don't mean to say it's a bad thing to attempt to move forward and be proactive in my search for better health. That seems to be neccessary, me being my best human advocate. But i do tend to forget the other, bigger, more consistent advocate, the God who made me. i'm guessing He's really my best advocate, the One who loves me when i don't love myself, the One who made me and my saliva and presently tired adrenal glands. If i would just remember to go talk to Him first, i know that at least my mood would be more stable. He helps me keep the bigger picture when i have a tendency to lose myself in the little details of life, like the thought of saving up a day's worth of pee. ("If i could save pee in a bottle..." That's right, sung to the tune of Jim Croce's, "If I could save time...")

i'm still not sure whether or not i'll supplement myself into a hairy man chest. i'm hoping no.