"Good morning" takes on a new meaning.

poplar tree in our backyard

i've been having some good mornings lately.

i say this because i've never really been a morning person, but morning has been less friendly with the fibromyalgia. If you've read this blog before, you probably remember that i've whined heartily about the Fentanyl withdrawals and the fact of that experience leaving me with even less energy than before.

But changes seem to be in the wind--i've taken adrenal support supplements for a few months, and am now on Cymbalta, the pharmaceutical recently proclaimed on commercials as the answer to my fibro pain. We shall see how it goes, but whether from the time passed from initial withdrawals till now, or the adrenal improvement or the Cymbalta, i'm finally able to wake up at a decent hour and get out of bed! (By "decent" i refer to hours starting at 7, not the indecent time my hubby gets up-- 4:20am.)

The simple act of being able to wake up and get up is one i haven't been in touch with for a while. The fibromyalgia, diagnosed about 3 1/2 years ago, has changed my usual world of "i really don't want to get up" into "i feel really exhausted still and i'm too sore to move anyhow, so i really don't want to get up." They're simply different by degrees--did i mention i've never been a morning person??!

The extra good part of mornings lately is that in this end of a Castro Valley August, the weather is clear and even on the hot days the mornings are lovely and breezy. The balcony outside our second floor bedroom invites me to sit and listen.

my treehouse nook

i am a lucky girl. (Okay, a seriously over 50 girl, but still...) When our second floor was added and the balcony made, it had no covering over top. Me, being the delicate flower that i am, suggested that protection from the elements would be good. Dear hubby did that. So now i have a lovely treehouse nestled in the branches of the poplar tree, or so it seems.

Do you notice the sounds of morning are different than later in the day? And the sounds carry through the air differently in the summer? My nest asks me to shhhh and listen.....the constant soft swishing of the traffic on the freeway a mile away, the rhythmic thrum of my bedroom ceiling fan...the workman's tools two doors down...the rustling of the poplar tree's leaves. Listening has become a calming practice of feeling outside my own body and its pain, of being strictly in that moment, a meditation of sorts.

Skimmer's recap: Not a morning person. Mornings improving. Good morning to me.

Pain class--week 2.

Note to long-suffering hubby who patiently skims my blogs: Just skip this one, honey. You've heard it all already, and besides this way i can talk about you. HAH!

Well, Monday has come and is nearly gone, and poor Dynamo dog is still in residence at the local Veterinary Inn. Every day that goes by i repeat to myself "He'll be better than ever! He'll be better than ever!" and try not to think about the peanut butter sandwiches and beans in our future...and if one more person says innocently to me, "Well surely you have health insurance for the dogs," i'm not sure what will come out of my mouth.

Today was a fun day at Chronic Pain 101.

First i learned that if this class were kindergarten, i'd have gotten a gold star for sure.

Second, i learned that what i thought was a bad job of following the meditation/relaxation exercise was actually a good job.

Third, i was told i was analytical--which i totally thought was a good thing--but then they all smiled wisely at each other while nodding their heads. i proved i was analytical by coming home and looking up the definition of analytical on 6 different online dictionaries to see what could be wrong about that.

OH--and fourth, i seem to be the only junior higher in the bunch.

So, gold star--great way to start my day. i had my session with the nurse where she asked me questions and looked at my pain journal. We chatted and did the questions, and she praised my pain journal saying it was probably the best one she'd seen for a "week one" person. i said, "Well, i do like to write." i actually enjoyed trying to figure out my pain number on a scale of 1 to 10 and then write what i was doing at the time. Partly i was thinking it would help me connect what causes the pain to fluctuate. So that was cool.

Regarding the meditation/relaxation--it was a great exercise where we were to follow our breath and focus on our breath in order to clear our worries and such out of our minds. We were to count each breath, and if we got distracted by a sound or thought we were to start over at one. After, i agreed that was really helpful. i liked it. But i mentioned that for me it seemed like i was saying in my head, "One..." (i wonder how Dyno's doing? OH SHOOT.) "One..." (i really like her hair today. DANG) "One..." .........and so on. Anya the nurse said, "But that's good! That means you were really staying with it! You didn't start to count then go off in your head for 20 minutes then remember to count, you were really bringing yourself back--that's great!" So for the second time i was all proud of myself.

Then, the analytical thing--we were in our half hour group session with the cute little young psychologist. Tomorrow the newbies will come with the looks of confusion the rest of us had the first day. But for today we were only 2 men, 2 other women, me, and the psychologist.

Like i said before, i talk. Often, i talk more than others. Not to make excuses, these others are really quiet. But i feel if i ask questions i understand more, therefore learning more. And i want to get the most out of these 5 weeks. At one point as i was picking their brains, one looked at me and said with a smile, "You're analytical." Then the psychologist and the 2 others who've been there longest looked at each other and nodded sagely and said, "She's analytical." i'm sure i looked confused, as the word "analytical" to me matches up with smart, logical people. But the group wasn't saying it in that way.

*editing here--i realized i left this out: "And how am i being analytical?" "Because you want to know how it all fits together NOW," one of the longer members said.

i said, "And?" She turned to me with a wise smile and said, "You can't know." Whuh?

i remain confused. i of course, in good people-pleaser fashion, laughed and played it off. But when i looked up "analytical," the Cambridge Dictionary Online said:
"analytical: adjective. Examining or tending to examine things very carefully."
To me, this sounds like a good thing. For example, one should always examine restaurant salads very carefully. i have found bugs.

Perhaps i am to simply Let It Go and Let It Show Up Unannounced. Whatever "It" is. i still don't know what the hell they meant. Perhaps i shall risk another question and ask.

Oh--and my forth and final lesson of the day, that i am the only junior higher in the group: i was asking about relaxation cds, as i had liked the one we used this afternoon and was relaxing quite well until they said to "relax your genitals." They suggested i could just overlook it the next time now that i had heard it, and i said, "i'm sorry, but i will always laugh when they say 'sphincter,'" which was the next thing we were to "relax." The psychologist said my laughter meant i was uncomfortable. i agreed, yup, and asked, "Seriously? None of the rest of you had trouble with that?" Only one girl laughed and said she'd also been caught off guard. The rest of them all pulled solemn expressions onto their faces and shook their heads saying, "No, no..." So i can only surmise i am either the only junior higher, or the only honest person in the bunch.

So, all in all, it was a day. A full day. (Apparently full of people capable of being told to relax their sphincters, without even cracking a smile.)

Day two.

Today i was less stressed about going to class--i realized just how anxious i was yesterday about attending these--will i fail and become a pain management drop out? Will i laugh during relaxation and get sent to whatever is the equivalent of a pain management principal? Will i accidentally have a little body mis-sound during circle time meditation and the other kids will laugh at me?

But today i felt a little less like a newbie--say a day less. i'm still having a hard time ignoring my pain and not talking about my pain but pulling out my notebook journal every hour to WRITE about my pain...

The doctor had me raise my medication just a half an original patch's worth, so now i'm at 62 mcg. i've already been so tired, but today i either had a totally awesome meditation/relaxation time, or i'm just so picking exhausted that i was nearly asleep. Snoring is bad enough, but i tend to talk in my sleep, and sometimes wave my hands about.

So we had 2 really good relaxation/meditation times today, and a nice walk in the beautiful blooming cherry blossoms day, and some stretching exercises plus some yoga poses. It's not exactly "Let's Get Physical" but it's probably physical enough for most of us. My balance stinks, so i was the only person who had to hold onto the counter to keep from falling over while learning to "braid walk." (Left foot across in front of right, right to normal position, left foot across behind right, and so on. Just try it! It's harder than it looks. For me anyway.)

i got to meet the psychologist today--she's this adorable little 12 year old girl. Very sweet, but it was like watching one of my kids play dress-up. For the last half hour we had an open "group" time where any of us can ask questions and bring up stuff we ordinarily can't. Everyone else was really quiet, even with a chance like that, so me being one to not waste, filled some time by asking a number of questions, ones so important i can't remember any of them right now.

i do feel a bit hopeful at this point. i hope that's not unfounded.

Thursdays are a free day for us, pain clinic is closed. i look forward to the break, even though i've only been there 2 days!