Another Wednesday Poem Prompt, (yes, on Thursday...)

 

 

TO DO OR NOT TO BE (THAT IS THE QUESTION)

 

she’s been thinking about things that don’t need thinking

when what she should be is things that need doing

and her thoughts keep leaving when they should be staying

causing daydreams that leave her distracted and wandering

while biscuits are burning and sinks overflowing

and laundry needs washing and mending needs sewing

and yet she keeps pondering the hills that need roving

because trees hide

the better views.

Poetic Therapy.

On the Writer's Digest website, Robert Lee Brewer has a blog called "Poetic Asides." Each April for the past several years he has run a Poem A Day challenge with a different theme challenge for each day. It's pretty fun to read, pretty fun to do. This year i've dubbed it "PAD Therapy" and i've been writing all my poems dealing with my birth family and recent loss of my sister Patti. Who says you shouldn't enjoy at least part of the grieving process?

The challenge for today was to write either a science fiction poem or a fantasy poem. This was my take on it.

JUST TWO GIRLS.

In a morning garden
we meet near the climbing roses
that caress a fountain
of cement gray.
We stroll the winding path
down the hill to a small café
we love to chatter at
next to the sea,
and sit raising our faces
letting the sun embrace our skin,
just two girls bathing in
an ocean breeze.


Op’ning my eyes I see
the room around me, my aged hands
and say goodbye for now
my sister-friend,
happy to have a place
we can go walking, and laugh again
because I miss you so
with my eyes open....

Going home.

Last night i dreamed of my childhood home.

Usually when i dream of it, i am young and very small, standing next to the side of it, staring up. It looms large and dark and surrounded in gloom, and i am uneasy.

Last night, i walked up its front porch steps as an adult, and the weather was bright and clear. i used a key to open the front door, admiring the old door from my childhood, and remembering how much i loved that big covered porch as a child. i entered the foyer and looked around. It was a house between owners, and i was looking at it like a prospective buyer but thinking, "i want this house back."

It was much as i remembered it when i first saw it as a 5 year old child--furnitureless, but with great bones. High ceilings, lovely bay windows, and hardwood floors mellowed with time. When i was 5 it was a great huge house with the promise of newness. By the time i left at the end of high school, it was broken and shattered, and so were we.

But last night i walked into it as if to reclaim it, take it and make it what my child-self had seen at 5. Fill it with good life, and honor the beauty of its bones, as it should have been.

Then i was seeing it from the rear of the house as if a dollhouse, the floors and rooms open to view. And there i could see the separateness of the family as we lived in my later years--my father, alone and in his own world in the front room, he and the incessant speaking of the television in the background; my mother sitting in the kitchen, staring into space, elbow on the table, smoking her cigarette with a certain grace like a 40's movie star. And me, i would be in my bedroom, reading or playing the guitar, or writing. Three separate people living in one house, but each alone. This is what i saw in my dream.

i can't honestly pretend to know what that means--i mean, i see the shift from anxious child to calm adult. i see the awareness of that beautiful house as simply the place where the players lived out their lives, making choices for good and for evil. i hope it means that at 54 i can continue to move forward in my perspective of my childhood to a place where it does not hold parts of me in fear.

i do know that when i came downstairs this morning, basket of laundry in my hands, that walking through the yet undone living room waiting patiently for its sheetrock and paint didn't bother me as much as usual. It's still a place where we have lived and laughed and had Christmas with little children. It's not been all good, but i don't suppose anything is, but we've tried and grown and learned and hopefully moved closer together as family rather than farther apart.

i think our struggle to remain connected as family is part of what defines us. In my childhood, there were great struggles against each other, and then great periods of silence. i think that's why i'm happy with the sounds of children playing around me--it soothes me.

But it was good to see that old house again.

Dream a little dream of--

Well, it was policemen. And rain. And exercise equipment. And incarceration.

My counselor was so good at the whole dream thing, i loved it. She knows all the meanings of the different rooms in a house, even what it means based on how many bedrooms there are in a house you dream about. On these days, after a vivid and weird dream, i wish i was still in therapy. (Well, actually, on many days i wish i was! If i could only carry her around in my pocket for those troublesome life events. "Pardon me," i would say, and nip into the ladies, where i could open my pocket and ask, "So, how do i respond to that??")

i have a website i go to in the absence of a good counselor. i'm not sure it always gives me sound advice, but it gives me ideas and choices. It's http://www.dreammoods.com/, and i at least have fun with it. It's not up to the par of Joseph and the coat of many colors: "The seven fat cows stand for seven years of plenty, and the seven skinny cows stand for seven years of famine." (Yes, i watched Veggie Tales the other day with Adina's 2 year old daughter--you can learn a lot from those things!) But then Joseph got his dream interpretations from God, and that's a whole lot more accurate place to get your info. And i don't have my personal pocket therapist, and frankly i can't picture bothering God with, "so, there was rain, a hospital, and policemen in slickers--whaddya think?" So for now i'll refer to Dream Moods and do my own surmising.

Okay, so, there was also a bit about an exercise room in the hospital basement, all dusty and looking like an afterthought, with a treadmill among other bits of equipment. You could see the pipes in the ceiling, making it look very basement-y. There was also a bit where we were in the back seat of a police car being taken to the hospital. i remember looking out the back window of the car at the street lined mostly with small stores. So, two sections involved looking out the window at the rain and the police in their slickers.

Okay, let me at it:

Dream Moods says about police:

"Police. To see the police in your dream, indicates some failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolize structure, rules, and control. A more direct interpretation of seeing the police in your dream forewarns that you should avoid reckless behavior. To dream that you are arrested by the police, suggests that you feel sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt."

--and about rain:

"Rain. To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.
To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace.
To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to your awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.
To hear the tapping of the rain on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas and blessings coming to mind. It may also suggests that you will receive much joy from your home life."

--and raincoats:

"Raincoat. To dream that you are wearing a raincoat, suggests that you are shielding yourself from your emotions. You are not able to face the nastiness. It also refers to your pessimistic outlook."

Let's not forget the basement:

"Basement. To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction.
To dream that the basement is in disarray and messy, signifies some confusion in which you need to sort out. It may also represent your perceived faults and shortcomings."

So, now to piece these together into a cohesive idea. (Insert clearing of the throat here.) The things i've been troubled by lately have been the whole idea of being stuck with stupid chronic pain from this fibromyalgia, and never getting well like some people seem to. i have not been successful at getting myself to exercise because, One, i'm in pain, (chronically!) and B, i'm exhausted. Also chronically. Now, never mind the fact that if i were to get my lazy bootie going, i might feel better, or if i could figure out how to eat to lose weight without irritating my IBS, i might feel better. Tomorrow is my appointment (FINALLY) with the Chronic Pain Management Clinic team at Kaiser, where i will be assessed and they will set up my time to start the program (after waiting several more months, it sounds like. But why hurry? The pain is chronic, and not going anywhere.) Oh--and i've been talking to my youngest daughter, who is making huge strides in her life, choosing to make positive changes, and hopefully shed some of the family cement overshoes like frozen anxiety. So using all these things floating about in my head, plus the interpretations courtesy of Dream Moods, here goes.

Okay.

If seeing police offers choices between meaning "don't be reckless" and not honoring obligations or committments, i'll have to go with the obligations thing, and the structure/rules/control bit. Why? you ask. Because for me, "life on the edge" extends about as far as backing off the driveway without my seatbelt fastened. i'm not the risk taking sort. i'm also not great at rules, but that fits more closely, since i know i need to honor committments to improve the health of my body, and that requires--yes--structure. Rules. Control. (Crap.) The interpretation that involves guilt is right up my family alley too--one of my biggest issues includes taking on guilt. Guilt about my imperfections, guilt about the imperfections i've passed on to my children. Guilt about everything clear down to global warming. It's all me.

And if seeing/hearing rain means renewal, grace, and forgiveness, well, that's a mighty fine thing to follow on the heels of all that NOT honoring obligations, NOT being perfect. Who can't use a little grace and forgiveness raining down on them? We guilt-ridden folk tend to forget about grace and forgiveness. And renewal? That gives one hope. And watching the rain from a window is a specific thing, that of spiritual insights being brought to your awareness. All good!

The raincoat is an interesting element--i was not wearing one, the keepers of the structure and rules were wearing them. So, if my wearing one means i'm shielding myself from nastiness, then the structure-keepers wearing them could mean i'm shielding myself from what i see as their imposing of structure on my life? This leaves me in an uncomfortable place--i strive (after five years of therapy) to not be a victim, but to realize that i am the one to steer my own ship (or in the case of someone not crazy about water or the connected analogies, perhaps my own very large flotation device in a very shallow and small pool?) And the pessimism Dream Moods mentions? i choose to ignore that. (She said pessimistically.)

In this struggle with my body and the outside interveners who say i *should* do these things to be better, i'm afraid it's easy to fall back into the victim mode. *They* don't understand. *They* don't know how i feel. And yet i know i need to steer my own innertube.

This leaves me with the dusty/musty basement with the treadmill and such. If the appearance of the basement signifies my state of mind, i think i may be in deep do-do. "Dusty" and "Musty" sound like two of the Seven Dwarfs of this annoyance that has been named Fibromyalgia. (But that sounds like another post altogether. It amuses me to contemplate that.) And if the disarray means some confusion i need to sort out, or my perceived faults and shortcomings, this fits with where my subconscious lives regarding the fibro. MY fault is i'm not structured enough. MY shortcoming is i don't honor the committments to my body. MY guilt is because of MY faults. MY MY MY.

Hmm. Do i try to take a fair amount of the power away from God in all this struggle? Do i think i'm alone, but for my Two Dwarfs? Okay, so i need to steer, but i can ask for help. And i need to quit thinking of this fibro as something i did to myself and step back a bit.

Or maybe it was just the butler in the library with the candlestick. It's beginning to hurt to think.

Dream a little dream of who?

Lately i've been looking up dream meanings again. The good thing is, this means i must be sleeping deeply enough to dream. The bad thing is, last night i dreamed about Britney Spears.

Why Britney? i looked up dream meanings on the Dream Moods website. They gave me a number of options to consider regarding celebrities: dreaming a celebrity is a friend, dreaming a good friend turns into a celebrity, being carried off by a celebrity--i'm not so sure my dream needs all that much interpretation, since it involved a looong downhill conveyor belt/slide on which she was traveling with a lot of people, myself included, only she was doing a really poor job of watching her toddlers and just kept wandering off away from them. Oh, and Phil Stacy, the bald-headed contestant on American Idol? He was the father, and kept rescuing them from getting hurt. So, Britney Spears, not a great mom, slippery-slide downhill--you take a stab.

i should probably be concerned myself, though--i was also on the downhill slide. i've felt like that lately, certainly. A year ago i was on the great path of discovery that was the Cave Man Diet/Rare foods diet, had newly increased thyroid medication and had lost some weight and felt somewhat IN control for a change. Now, i do realize that "control is but an illusion"--but of late i feel especially OUT of control of many things.

Food just goes right along with that, always has. Oh sure, i eat my veggies, i eat my fruit--i *try* not to eat so many carbs and sugars. But if ice cream is in the house? Well, it becomes a loving companion to that nighttime cup of decaf coffee and visits often. Or cake? Or any kind of sweets for that matter?? Or creamy gravies?? THEY LOVE ME! THEY CALL ME! Ah, the slippery slope that is Comfort Food.

And exercise, or rather, the lack thereof--i have this excuse of a cast on my leg that keeps me from my elliptical machine. But before the cast? How many times had i been on it in the month previous? HMMM??

i keep thinking that i need to take back control--that thing which is but illusion-- But my achy body is not an illusion, the fatigue that debilitates is not an illusion. i keep waiting for something to give, my vitamins and supplements to kick in and kick butt. It's not happening. i wake up day after day after day feeling like i've been trampled by a pissed-off mule. i shove my way through the long morning hours, finally hitting a more productive afternoon. i make dinner, cleaning up as i go, and i'm pretty well done being useful for the day. i take my assortment of pills and go to sleep, hoping to wake the next day with the tiniest bit more energy, but instead i dream of going downhill with Britney Spears, and wake feeling jet lagged.