Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Oh well.

I tried. I really did. I tried to clear myself of Cymbalta and live a more naturally medicated life. But today, somehow fittingly on the 11th anniversary of the death of my mother, I embraced the fact that it isn't working. Maybe some would say I didn't give the 5 HTP a long enough chance, or that I lack the strength of character to somehow "tough it out." But they don't have to live in my head and my body.

The moments I've been able to step back and observe and assess myself, I've seen signs that point to the return of depression: lack of interest in things I'd normally be interested in, daily anxiety about every little thing of life, more difficulty than the usual "not a morning person" experiences getting going with the day, feeling chronically overwhelmed. And there's enough "chronic" in fibromyalgia to contend with. All these things have increased over the past few weeks. My trainer at the gym says I've remained more stiff off the Cymbalta, so apparently it really does do some good for the physical aspects of fibromyalgia. At any rate, my experiment has come to an end. I survived the withdrawals only to be unable to survive the absence of the drug in my system. But, "quality of life" being what it is, I choose to once again embrace my need for Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals.

Hopefully I will soon feel more hopeful and less anxious. I mean seriously, I have been anxious about eating, about cooking, about shopping, about every ridiculously small thing! Even my fatigue seems more pronounced to me, which (again) makes me anxious. *Sigh*

Time to move on and get some help for those synapses!


Nancy R. Carter said...

Very interesting. Even on the Cymbalta, I struggle with lack of motivation, feeling overwhelmed, not enjoying things, wanting to stay in bed. We tried upping my dose, but it made me too groggy in the mornings.

I've thought about trying to wean off of it, to see if some supplements could provide more benefit, but I haven't felt like I'm strong enough yet.

I know you hate being on the medicine, but try to think of it like insulin for a diabetic. It is not a personal failure, it is a physical issue that often requires medicine for a lifetime.

julia said...

Thank you, Nancy! i appreciate your honest words. Plus i can use all the encouragement i can get! Have they tried adding something different to the mix, or trying a different medication altogether?

Nancy ~Lessons Learned on the Farm said...

Oh, I missed your comment on here. You'll have to email me sometime.
tn3jcarter (at) hughes (dot) net

I've been through quite a few different mixes. I told my doc I feel like an experimental chemical cocktail.

I would still like to wean down my dosage of Cymbalta and perhaps try something different, but I've tried *almost* everything and my doc is really thinking that this one is best for me. He definitely has more experience with this stuff than me, so I'm sticking with it, but I keep wondering how long before we can try something else if I'm not happy with this, ya know?